I've been juggling school, project work, exams, a discipline case, literally the worst break-up ever , & I also recently lost my grandmother a month ago.
First, my school. Time management has never been my forte, but this time, I know I didn't even try to keep up with my work. Then came the last minute rushing, the swearing, the promise of no more procrastination and you know, the entire cycle. So somehow I managed to pull through, and I just received my results two weeks, not bad of a GPA, considering the insurmountable amount of slacking I did! The discipline case was minor, a fight in school, broke someone's jaw and got a black eye in return, but he deserved it. I got away scott-free cause I managed to prove that I really didn't instigate and initiate the exchange of blows! & he got suspended for an entire semester. HAHA.
Then, my break-up. Well, it was like a dream relationship, like what everyone thinks it should be. People said good things came to people who waited, I waited a year, and I felt like God saved the best for me.
Constant loving texts; you could literally feel the love pour from your screen, onto your fingers, seep into your skin and give you a head-rush like no other.( we exchanged above 15'000 texts in 1.5 months, so go figure.)
Constant assurance about the future; makes you feel like it's eternal and you've actually found the one.
& before I realised it, I lost myself in time and fell into this abyss, a dark abyss I would later realise was called unrequited love.
" saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky " - Ride//Lana Del Rey
The person, N, became the one reason for me to get out of bed and would often be the one thing that would tell me to relax and head to bed, when I was too busy with studying & whatever.
N was sweet, charming, playful and everything I wished I would find in someone. I kept up with all the mood swings and irritating moments, cause I knew how much I wanted N. Soon enough, we were together, and I cannot describe what it felt like to share what we shared. I found out that N couldn't stop thinking about the past, and try as I might, I couldn't change it.
I loved N, oh yes I did.
& boy did it hurt, when I realised I wasn't as special, as to make the past go away.
If you're hung up over an ex, it's one thing to pretend it doesn't bother you, and its another thing to actually accept that they've moved on & that maybe, it's time for you to grow the fuck up and suck it up.
Nevertheless, I learnt of this and saw everything once shared as a facade, a play to which I existed as an add-on , just help you shine once more. Nothing more than a rebound. Well, the fact that it failed, as horrible as it is for me to say, is a condolence for me. I got hurt so bad, I feel like hurting you in any way, is good enough of a retort for me.
Things that are bad always taste nice.
Things that are bad always taste nice.
I know I shouldn't, but I feel like I deserve to be happy again. And if hurting you, like how you hurt me, gives me contempt, am I bad person?
I loved N, I did, I did, I did.
I begged, I cried, I begged even more.
"don't you dare do this to me, you aren't allowed to leave me like that, not like this and not ever."
I moved on, like the cold-hearted monster that I've always known I can become. I loved N too much to let go, but betrayal changes everything.
It changes you, makes you doubt everything and everyone. But one thing didn't change, I know I have a lifetime of love to share, but now, no one to share it with. I have never expected much, never will. The things I will do to make someone smile, it knows no limits.
And the only thing I want in return is, well, you.
